MERRITT WITH DISTINCTION

On April 29th, 1992 a kangaroo court of muppets acquitted a swarm of Los Angeles police officers of the unlawful beating of Rodney King.  Maybe the tv footage of the filth laying into the prone black man and knocking seven shades out of him wasn’t graphic enough.  Maybe the jury was cobbled together at the local KKK convention.  Maybe Luis Suarez and John Terry were among the twelve good men and true.  Whatever the reasons, the cops walked free and that day the L.A riots kicked off.

On April 29th, 2012 The Magnetic Fields perform at Cork Opera House.  Twenty years on from the day L.A started to burn, New York’s finest song-writer is playing by the banks of the Lee.  Coincidence?  Who cares?  I’ll repeat “On April 29th, 2012 The Magnetic Fields perform at Cork Opera House”.  I Predict A Riot.

A riot of splendour.  Songs so good you’ll want to torch a bank.  Tunes so fine you’ll want to kill a cop.  Melodies so special you’ll want to spray graffiti on a fountain.  Lyrics so wonderful you’ll want to break windows in public libraries.

You see listeners, The Magnetic Fields are the greatest band in the world and, as I may have mentioned, they’re playing in the Cork Opera House on April 29th, 2012.  I am expecting nothing less than this to be the finest gig since David Byrne (another god-like New Yorker, even if he was born in the rock ‘n’ roll backwater of Dumbarton, Scotland) tore asunder the National Concert Hall in 2009.

Stephin Merritt is the singer, song-writer, resident genius of The Magnetic Fields.  He is quite possibly the gayest man in the solar system.  I love him.

In 1995 The Magnetic Fields released “Get Lost”, a doomed synth pop masterpiece that contained “All The Umbrellas In London” (“All the umbrellas in London couldn’t stop this rain, And all the dope in New York couldn’t heal this pain, And all the money in Tokyo couldn’t make me stay, All the umbrellas in London couldn’t stop this rain”) which might just possibly be the best song ever written.  The rest of the album is utterly splendid too.

“Get Lost” sold about 84 copies world-wide.  In the same year “(What’s The Story) Morning Glory” sold about a trillion.  Victory for mouth-breathers everywhere.

In 1999 The Magnetic Fields released “69 Love Songs”, a triple album containing, you guessed it, 69 love songs including “Busby Berkeley Dreams” (“I haven’t seen you in ages, But its not as bleak as it seems, We still dance on whirling stages, In my Busby Berkeley dreams”) which is most definitely the best song ever written.

You read that right listeners – “Busby Berkeley Dreams” is the best song ever written.  Better than “Bachelor Kisses”.  Better than “Here”.  Better than “Being Boring”.  Better than “Atmosphere”.  Better than “Overcome By Happiness”.  Better than “Waterloo Sunset”.  Better than “Fall On Me”.  Better than “Shipbuilding”.  Better than “Found A Little Baby”.  Better than “Jellypop Perky Jean”.  Better even than “Since You’ve Been Gone” by Rainbow.

How much do I love “Busby Berkeley Dreams”?  Well, at Witnness in 2002 I had to be talked out of getting “We still dance on whirling stages” tattooed on my thigh.  And I don’t mean I casually mentioned the tattoo as a joke; a stand-up full-blown row ensued –
Me: “I want that tattoo”
She: “You’re not getting it”
Me: “I’m getting it”
She: “You’re not getting it”
Me: “Please can I get it done? – I’ll buy you a nice hat”
She: “You’re not getting it, and you can shove your hat up your arse.  I’m going to see Ian Brown”
Me: “To hell with you.  I.  Am.  A.  Man.  I am defi- Ian Brown, eh?  I’ll follow you.  I can get the tattoo done tomorrow”.
She: “That’ll happen”

In lieu of that tattoo I’ve spent the decade since that Witnness festival going onandonandonandon to anyone who’d listen, and to quite a number who wouldn’t listen, about “Busby Berkeley Dreams”.  So prevalent has been my proselytising you’d expect a large crowd in the Opera House on April 29th. 

When last I checked, four tickets had been sold.  I kid you not.  Four tickets.  Jesus.

Of course, if sufficient numbers got to hear “Andrew In Drag”, The Magnetic Fields new single taken from the soon to be unleashed “Love At The Bottom Of The Sea” album (every song clocks in at less than three minutes – I adore it already), the gig will be sold out quicker than you can say “the-last-time-I-was-in-the-Opera-House-for-a-gig-was-Something-Happens-in-1990-when-seats-were-ripped-out-(not-by-us)-and-flung-at-the-stage-and-on-the-way-home-we-horsed-a-load-of-roadsigns-from-the-Mallow-Road-into-the-back-of-the-car-and-threw-them-up-on-the-avenue-up-to-school-which-caused-much-hassle-from-the-nuns-the-following-day-but-we-got-off-scott-free”.

Phew, quite a sentence.  As you digest it you might consider the marvellousness of that song “Andrew In Drag”.  Its about a straight guy who thinks that the hottest thing he’s ever seen is his friend Andrew in drag (“The only girl I ever loved is Andrew in drag”).

The only man I’ve ever loved will be performing at Cork Opera House on April 29th, 2012.  Anyone with a love of music, art, drama, or romance should attend.  It’ll be emotional.

How To Make An American Wilt!!
Ralph Mexico